Starting to definitly hate myself

I know we usually rant about something else ... but since I'm known to be weird (I'm French Canadian so that make me even weirder than aseigo) I decided to rant about something, more someone, I can't stand anymore (I know that some of you have allready guess who because the title ... here for those who where not able to make that guess) I'm talking about myself ...

And why? simply I have the impression, that deep inside me I want to fail everything I do ... so i have the impression that i'm an empty shell with nothing to offer ... it seems that i have this feeling about myself for years and getting out of that is very hard since nothing and I say nothing can motivate me anymore ... When or where this feeling started, I don't know probably in secondary school maybe ... when all the people put me in the "reject" category and then again some people in Quebec wonder why I'm against their idea of independance, simply because I never felt that I was a member of their society ...

and when I look at my past I only see failures ... ok enough of this ...
I'm wondering why I'm like this and especialy getting out of it ... and please don't talk me about religion ... I'm too cynical for being a good member of those mombo-jumbo society ...
and I still believe that mankind if more powerfull than any deity because every civilisation have created they own gods, and I personaly don't think they can be all true ... some will say that some of those where misguided and now we have the only true God (20 of those?) anyway i don't want to start a flame ;)

Lately (this is an euphemism) I see to get behind schedule for everything I do ... why????
Don't know but I want to get out of this!!!!

4 years ago I corrected a big mistake I made in 1995 (well in 1992, when I started to date her) and asked for divorce ... at first I was on a high, that now drugs can't bring, and it lasted for months, but boredom kicked in and it still here ...

anyway I have to get ready to go to work

PS. wow this is the longest blog in english I ever wrote :)


Though that might not be the root cause.

Out of curiosity, were you always easily distractable, day dreamt and still do a lot, get really angry really fast, fall apart without a lot of external structure?

By S at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 13:38


By Mathieu Chouinard at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 14:03

I've been dealing with simillar stuff and it seems like it could be ADD or ADHD as it is now known. You might wanna see your doctor, ask for a referal not just to any psyciatrist or pschologist, but to one that specializes in ADHD. If you're worried about drugs, they do NOT have to be permanent, AFAIK, 6 months of say rittalin and accompanied coaching, you'll be able to get yourself back together. It's not a fix, it's a way of dealing with it, it won't leave you, ever, you'll just know how to channel it into something more positive.

By S at Tue, 10/26/2004 - 00:46

You're stereotyping the religions there. Certain interpretations of Buddhism, for example, do not require you to believe in *any* God nor to accept any mumbo-jumbo unless on your own terms.

Btw, you might want to see "I Heart Huckabees". If you're in Montreal, it's showing at the AMC Forum at Atwater and might be topical for you.

By Navindra Umanee at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 14:47

But most semi-orthodox interpretations do include karma and reincarnation. Though Stephen Batchelor's "Buddhism Without Beliefs: A Contemporary Guide to Awakening" or some of Huxley's dealings with the subject do make for an interesting read it's hardly within realm of traditionally accepted Budhist doctrine.

Now, because Buddhism lacks a specific structure for doctrinal authority one could argue that all interpretations that resonate personally could be equally valid, but I think in colloquial terms a reasonable measuring would be if most of the world's Buddhists would consider such a person a Buddhist. I can't honestly say, but I would assume not.

By Scott Wheeler at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 16:46

I would say that many of the contemporary interpretations of Buddhism are a far cry from what Buddha, the man, ever had in mind.

For example, Buddha was reported to be against any sort of idol/god worship and rebelled against many of the current day aspects of Hinduism.

What do certain Buddhists do today? They make statues of Buddha and pray to him as God... just one of the many ironies of what Buddhism has turned into. Buddhists have taken many of the things Buddha rejected from Hinduism and reincorporated them (often poorly) into their version of the religion.

So yes, many versions of Buddhism now espouse dogma. People basically believe in whatever they want or what's convenient to them. They aren't seriously interested in the kind of truth Buddha was.

"karma" and "reincarnation" are loaded words and people attach their own meaning (often ridiculous to some of us) to them.

One of the Buddha's insights was that nothing, absolutely nothing, was or could be persistent. He had a hard time seeing how anyone could be reincarnated (in the popular sense) in any meaningful way. Particularly, he denied the existence of a persistent soul (in it's popular meaning) and for him "rebirth" was more a matter of direct cause and effect. The concept of rebirth he came up with was vastly different from what people think it is (and perhaps more mind-boggling).

In the end, the Buddha always encouraged people to test his "truths" for themselves and to reject them if they were found to be suspect.

(Disclaimer: The above is my own personal interpretation. It's hard to claim with any certainty what may or may not have happened two thousand years ago.)

By Navindra Umanee at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 17:28

I don't feeling being on a bus for 2.5 hours to go from ottawa to montreal :)

By Mathieu Chouinard at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 17:10

Hehe, assumed you were in Quebec. Of course, that movie should be showing over there as well, or will be opening in wider release in the coming weeks. :)

By Navindra Umanee at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 17:30

damn, man, I really feel sorry for you. life sucks, doesnt it? I know, altough, not as deeply as some poor souls do. Wish you the best.

By superstoned at Mon, 10/25/2004 - 18:14